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Monday, May 14, 2012
if only it could be that simple, that easy.
there are many moments like this.
where i wished i could NOT think about anything and let someone solve it all for me.
everyday, im faced with 1001 problems.
be it mine or not mine.
because my job requires so.
im expected to solve all problems for everyone.
be it big or small.
everyday i get at least 20 calls a day to solve prbs and to make decisions.
and even when im seated at my desk, people come to me almost every 5minutes.
i have to appear strong to EVERYONE in office even after having a bad day or being screamed at.
not even being able to be myself at times.
thats my life 7/10 of the time now.
im tired. very tired of it.
but who understands what im going through?
not any of my peers at this point of time.
not even him.
i dont mean to be angsty about stuff at times.
but, everyday when i get home, i just wished i had someone there for me.
someone to make decisions for me and solve prbs for me at home.
someone who would plan my life out of work for me.
someone who would enlighten me of things that i dont get during work.
someone who would teach me to improve myself.
someone who would know whats best for me and tell me what to do.
someone whom i can totally rely on when my entire world crumbles.
thats what i really wished for.
you know, one of the reasons for wanting to quit my job which i dont mention much about,
is because of what i have become again.
i know my problem.
when i get stressed at work, i often bring it home.
because of how emotional i am as a person.
and i start expecting alot from the people around me.
expecting everyone to understand me.
but i know no one is going to understand.
and i end up feeling depressed and alone each time.
i hate this part of me.
but thats my biggest weakness all these while.
i thought i could change it.
but nah, some things just dont change.
so the only way for me to not be like that is to quit this stressful job.
i do know what my decision should be.
and i guess the people around me do know that too.
im someone who can make decisions on my own.
in fact i dont like anyone to interfere in it.
but when i start asking, its when i need more assurance.
more assurance that im making the right decision that i would not regret.
perhaps you're right, i think too much.
but am i wrong in thinking too much?
if leaving could be that easy, i would have done it long ago.
have you ever really sat down and asked yourself, what exactly do i find it the toughest?
it's often me telling you this and that, and i can go on and on about it.
but you never once asked me why does it affect me so much that it makes it tough to leave?
and because you never did so, you never could find a solution for me.
honestly, i dislike my strong character.
because it makes everyone think that i'll overcome everything on my own.
yes, maybe i will.
but sometimes i really wished i could rely on the people around me.
it gives me much more sense of comfortness.
i mean im human afterall.
a girl afterall who wants to rely on a guy at times.
i want to lead a simple life too.
but no one is allowing me to do so.
everyone makes me solve their problems and make decisions for them.
a person like this can never be simple. never.
sigh.
i don't know when will i be able to find a solution.
i can be honest here, im actually running away from it.
i kept telling myself to sit down to think about it.
but i never did. i kept sweeping it at the back of my mind.
because i know there are consequences i dont wish to face after mking that decision.
im in a denial state now.
and i just wished someone could help me.
really.
sigh.
where i wished i could NOT think about anything and let someone solve it all for me.
everyday, im faced with 1001 problems.
be it mine or not mine.
because my job requires so.
im expected to solve all problems for everyone.
be it big or small.
everyday i get at least 20 calls a day to solve prbs and to make decisions.
and even when im seated at my desk, people come to me almost every 5minutes.
i have to appear strong to EVERYONE in office even after having a bad day or being screamed at.
not even being able to be myself at times.
thats my life 7/10 of the time now.
im tired. very tired of it.
but who understands what im going through?
not any of my peers at this point of time.
not even him.
i dont mean to be angsty about stuff at times.
but, everyday when i get home, i just wished i had someone there for me.
someone to make decisions for me and solve prbs for me at home.
someone who would plan my life out of work for me.
someone who would enlighten me of things that i dont get during work.
someone who would teach me to improve myself.
someone who would know whats best for me and tell me what to do.
someone whom i can totally rely on when my entire world crumbles.
thats what i really wished for.
you know, one of the reasons for wanting to quit my job which i dont mention much about,
is because of what i have become again.
i know my problem.
when i get stressed at work, i often bring it home.
because of how emotional i am as a person.
and i start expecting alot from the people around me.
expecting everyone to understand me.
but i know no one is going to understand.
and i end up feeling depressed and alone each time.
i hate this part of me.
but thats my biggest weakness all these while.
i thought i could change it.
but nah, some things just dont change.
so the only way for me to not be like that is to quit this stressful job.
i do know what my decision should be.
and i guess the people around me do know that too.
im someone who can make decisions on my own.
in fact i dont like anyone to interfere in it.
but when i start asking, its when i need more assurance.
more assurance that im making the right decision that i would not regret.
perhaps you're right, i think too much.
but am i wrong in thinking too much?
if leaving could be that easy, i would have done it long ago.
have you ever really sat down and asked yourself, what exactly do i find it the toughest?
it's often me telling you this and that, and i can go on and on about it.
but you never once asked me why does it affect me so much that it makes it tough to leave?
and because you never did so, you never could find a solution for me.
honestly, i dislike my strong character.
because it makes everyone think that i'll overcome everything on my own.
yes, maybe i will.
but sometimes i really wished i could rely on the people around me.
it gives me much more sense of comfortness.
i mean im human afterall.
a girl afterall who wants to rely on a guy at times.
i want to lead a simple life too.
but no one is allowing me to do so.
everyone makes me solve their problems and make decisions for them.
a person like this can never be simple. never.
sigh.
i don't know when will i be able to find a solution.
i can be honest here, im actually running away from it.
i kept telling myself to sit down to think about it.
but i never did. i kept sweeping it at the back of my mind.
because i know there are consequences i dont wish to face after mking that decision.
im in a denial state now.
and i just wished someone could help me.
really.
sigh.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
useless weakling.
by far, today has been the worst day of my 2o12.
no one is ever going to understand how i feel now.
and i never felt so inferior of myself before.
im feeling as though im the lousiest person out there.
the lousiest and the weakest.
a loser at work and a weakling at home.
i dont wish to pen down what happened.
but i just feel so confused.
and i wished someone could advice and lead me the way.
but somehow i feel that im all alone again.
yes, maybe im too emotional, too weak.
but thats the way i am.
everytime when i go through this, i hope i could hear advice or words to make me feel better.
but, i always feel worst each time because i just feel like a weakling crying for help, yet i get no help.
just words of me being too emotional.
yes i am, but thats the reason why i need someone to guide me.
maybe i think too much about things, but thats also the fact of life.
there are consequences to think about.
life is just not that simple.
if things were that easy, i would have easily left this job.
it makes me miserable, makes the people around me miserable.
but, im no longer a kid who can make any rash decisions just like that.
i try to talk less about work at home.
try to not mention about the nitty gritty stuff that happened because i know we're all tired after work.
but at points like today, i really needed a listening ear + someone to guide me.
i felt much worst when i had to face this all by myself again.
and to even ask/beg for advice.
this made my day even worst. sigh.
i havent teared for so long.
yet ive been tearing from 11pm till now.
yes, such a useless weakling right?
sigh. just bear with me. i know i'll always be fine by tmr?
i'll figure everything out by myself and i guess i'll have an answer soon.
no matter how painful it takes, i know i'll get over this.
thats why i cant stand how strong and weak i can be at the same time.
maybe thats also why no one can really understand me.
but am i really that hard to understand?
sigh.
you know at this point of time, i really wanna be in a place where there is NO ONE else.
i just want to be alone.
just me myself and i.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
back to square one.
i realised, it's been more than a month since i last blogged.
i guess i just felt too tired to be talking about the same emotions again.
it wasnt too bad the past month.
i survived the ordeal and i stayed on.
but just when i thought everything got better, i guess i am wrong once again.
it's the vicious cycle.
mid month and he goes crazy again.
getting scolded for three consecutive days already.
not counting last friday.
i dont know whats wrong with him.
i dont know whats wrong with me either.
to tolerate this for the longest time.
and to get threatened on a monthly basis that if im not good enough, i will be replaced.
worst still, to get threatened even after i performed and exceeded my targets last month.
isnt it a joke?
i was this close to tendering yesterday.
but i held back because my trip is just next week.
i stayed on because i wanted a month's salary.
so what's just 6 more days till my trip?
but sometimes i hate the fact that i have to put up all these because of money.
argh.
i'm feeling very down these couple of days.
but i dont exactly know how to explain.
i just feel so tired once again.
alot of things are happening at work but i dont wish to talk much about it.
i just want time to pass faster.
i really need my break :(
i guess i just felt too tired to be talking about the same emotions again.
it wasnt too bad the past month.
i survived the ordeal and i stayed on.
but just when i thought everything got better, i guess i am wrong once again.
it's the vicious cycle.
mid month and he goes crazy again.
getting scolded for three consecutive days already.
not counting last friday.
i dont know whats wrong with him.
i dont know whats wrong with me either.
to tolerate this for the longest time.
and to get threatened on a monthly basis that if im not good enough, i will be replaced.
worst still, to get threatened even after i performed and exceeded my targets last month.
isnt it a joke?
i was this close to tendering yesterday.
but i held back because my trip is just next week.
i stayed on because i wanted a month's salary.
so what's just 6 more days till my trip?
but sometimes i hate the fact that i have to put up all these because of money.
argh.
i'm feeling very down these couple of days.
but i dont exactly know how to explain.
i just feel so tired once again.
alot of things are happening at work but i dont wish to talk much about it.
i just want time to pass faster.
i really need my break :(
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
sigh.
i've been feeling really down lately.
so tired of every single thing.
i appeared to be fine today because i didnt want anyone to worry.
but deep down, i felt really like shit.
i get scolded every single day.
go through 1001 things and still get scolded.
yesterday was bad.
i broke down yet again because everything is driving me nuts.
it often set myself thinking again, am i that lousy?
i dont know. i really don't.
i want to resign.
but i just don't know when should i do it.
there's so much for me to think about.
but honestly, i'm more than tired already.
this few months have been so tough.
and everything just didnt feel worth it.
so lost now.
can i do it tmr?
so tired of every single thing.
i appeared to be fine today because i didnt want anyone to worry.
but deep down, i felt really like shit.
i get scolded every single day.
go through 1001 things and still get scolded.
yesterday was bad.
i broke down yet again because everything is driving me nuts.
it often set myself thinking again, am i that lousy?
i dont know. i really don't.
i want to resign.
but i just don't know when should i do it.
there's so much for me to think about.
but honestly, i'm more than tired already.
this few months have been so tough.
and everything just didnt feel worth it.
so lost now.
can i do it tmr?
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
sigh.
it's no longer just sundays, it happens everyday now.
i dread heading to work every single day.
i know very well it's time for me to move on.
but i just can't seem to do it.
i dont know why.
i've been trying so hard to put everything aside and try again.
but each time i do so, i get disappointed once again.
it just makes me feel that nothing i've done is worth it.
i'm tired of all that shyt around.
tired of thinking for everyone who refuses to use their brains.
tired of all the responsibilities.
tired of shielding everyone.
tired of chasing non-stop for the numbers.
tired of everything.
this job made me lose myself once again.
made me lose balance.
made me be someone i never wanted to be.
yes, it brought me this far.
but no, it's not what i really want.
i just want a much simpler life.
really.
sigh.
i dont know how long more can i take it.
i shut my mind totally now at work.
i just wished time could pass faster.
and pray that nothing happens.
but i'm really sick of feeling this way.
i wished i could be less wishy washy.
and just make that decision.
sigh.
if only it's june now.
i dread heading to work every single day.
i know very well it's time for me to move on.
but i just can't seem to do it.
i dont know why.
i've been trying so hard to put everything aside and try again.
but each time i do so, i get disappointed once again.
it just makes me feel that nothing i've done is worth it.
i'm tired of all that shyt around.
tired of thinking for everyone who refuses to use their brains.
tired of all the responsibilities.
tired of shielding everyone.
tired of chasing non-stop for the numbers.
tired of everything.
this job made me lose myself once again.
made me lose balance.
made me be someone i never wanted to be.
yes, it brought me this far.
but no, it's not what i really want.
i just want a much simpler life.
really.
sigh.
i dont know how long more can i take it.
i shut my mind totally now at work.
i just wished time could pass faster.
and pray that nothing happens.
but i'm really sick of feeling this way.
i wished i could be less wishy washy.
and just make that decision.
sigh.
if only it's june now.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
actually, i've made a decision already.
now, it's only when to do it.
sigh.
now, it's only when to do it.
sigh.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
lost it along the way.
too many things happened today.
i dont know how to put it in words here.
but i feel really awful.
and i realised how much i hate myself now.
because i seemed to have lost myself along the way.
i forgot all about my principles and thoughts in life.
i forgot i once said that the most important thing in life is always your integrity and pride.
and passion means more than anything.
somehow, i forgot all these.
all because im blinded by money and status.
i don't know what happened to me.
but i'm just disappointed with myself.
:(
i dont know how to put it in words here.
but i feel really awful.
and i realised how much i hate myself now.
because i seemed to have lost myself along the way.
i forgot all about my principles and thoughts in life.
i forgot i once said that the most important thing in life is always your integrity and pride.
and passion means more than anything.
somehow, i forgot all these.
all because im blinded by money and status.
i don't know what happened to me.
but i'm just disappointed with myself.
:(
Sunday, February 19, 2012
new hairstyle
work is pretty much the same.
or rather, getting worst.
shall not talk about it though.
i just wish time would pass faster.
something worthy to blog about today.
i no longer have straight hair! haha.
after 27 years, my hairstyle is finally different.
BUT, i still like my straight hair though.
this semi curled hair is making me lose confidence somehow. :(
anw, finally decided to cut my hair on saturday.
tried salonvim for the first time.
got convinced to do soft rebonding with slight curls below.
i must say that the service there is awesome.
very friendly people.
spent 3.5 hrs there, and tadah, my new hairstyle.
still needs some time to get used to it.
alrighty, not in the mood to blog lately.
till then, more updates next.
or rather, getting worst.
shall not talk about it though.
i just wish time would pass faster.
something worthy to blog about today.
i no longer have straight hair! haha.
after 27 years, my hairstyle is finally different.
BUT, i still like my straight hair though.
this semi curled hair is making me lose confidence somehow. :(
anw, finally decided to cut my hair on saturday.
tried salonvim for the first time.
got convinced to do soft rebonding with slight curls below.
i must say that the service there is awesome.
very friendly people.
spent 3.5 hrs there, and tadah, my new hairstyle.
still needs some time to get used to it.
alrighty, not in the mood to blog lately.
till then, more updates next.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
taiwan!
sunday again.
nope, i'm not feeling a teeny bit better.
to add on, darl's having a blue sunday too.
yes, both of us dread work quite abit now.
sigh.
ok let's skip about work this week.
i'm happy how i splurged on friday.
met darling for dinner at suntec.
and i ended up buying 2 pairs of heels.
from steve madden and aldo.
then i bought another pair from c&k yesterday.
ultimate shiokness! haha.
but the sad thing is, my aldo pair feels kinda tight :(
gotta try to expand it.
anw, the happier thing!
i'm going to taiwan in april!
finally.
after 3 years of procrastination.
SQ tix bought.
i'm going to make sure i live like royal once again.
all these years, ive been procrastinating to travel because of money.
and i'm always flying on budget and staying in budget hotels.
but this year, once again, i shall heck it and just enjoy.
holidays are the only things i look forward to lately.
7 days away from work this time. wooohooo!:p
was browsing online just now.
and i've gotten a new item on my wishlist!
celine boston tote in orange!
very into orange bags lately. =D
but i doubt i can find this color at the moment.
maybe i'll check out celine boutique next week to see if i can custom order it in orange :)
yes, i never seem to have enough bags :p
alrighty, shall surf more about taiwan.
can't wait for my trip!
i'll start counting down :)
nope, i'm not feeling a teeny bit better.
to add on, darl's having a blue sunday too.
yes, both of us dread work quite abit now.
sigh.
ok let's skip about work this week.
i'm happy how i splurged on friday.
met darling for dinner at suntec.
and i ended up buying 2 pairs of heels.
from steve madden and aldo.
then i bought another pair from c&k yesterday.
ultimate shiokness! haha.
but the sad thing is, my aldo pair feels kinda tight :(
gotta try to expand it.
anw, the happier thing!
i'm going to taiwan in april!
finally.
after 3 years of procrastination.
SQ tix bought.
i'm going to make sure i live like royal once again.
all these years, ive been procrastinating to travel because of money.
and i'm always flying on budget and staying in budget hotels.
but this year, once again, i shall heck it and just enjoy.
holidays are the only things i look forward to lately.
7 days away from work this time. wooohooo!:p
was browsing online just now.
and i've gotten a new item on my wishlist!
celine boston tote in orange!
very into orange bags lately. =D
but i doubt i can find this color at the moment.
maybe i'll check out celine boutique next week to see if i can custom order it in orange :)
yes, i never seem to have enough bags :p
alrighty, shall surf more about taiwan.
can't wait for my trip!
i'll start counting down :)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
:(
i haven't been a single bit happy since cny.
and i found out the main reason.
my job.
the love-hate relationship i have with it, is back.
but this time, it seems much worst.
just over this few weeks, many things happened.
and i could feel my discomfort all over again.
i never liked sales.
i guess you can see from my posts for the past 13 months.
but i've managed to struggle through it.
and somehow i stopped doing sales after being promoted.
though there was the tough transition period where my life was hell for 2 months.
being screamed at every single hour and being paranoid about work.
then that moment passed, i got used to everything at work once again.
just when i thought everything was alright already, changes happened again.
where the focus is now back to sales.
the expectations of a sales manager begins.
i never thought im good in sales in any way.
i never thought im a good sales manager in any way either.
yet now, im being tasked to perform.
the pressure of the expectations are killing me somehow.
i realised how i do not know many things.
and that i suck at most of it.
yet i'm still supposed to lead by example.
which is getting me out of my comfort zone.
i do not enjoy doing what i am doing now.
but i dont seem to have a choice.
yes i do, to quit if i really want to make a choice.
but i know i can't at the moment.
because i have other goals to achieve first.
maybe you can't tell on the outside.
but i honestly dislike being a manager somehow.
the amount of responsibilities i have, drives me nuts at times.
the amount of 'wei qu' i feel, makes me just wanna be a kid again.
where i didnt have to think that much.
my mind is all about work now every single hour.
and if it's not about work, it's about my salesperson.
about how they wil respond or react if i do this, or that.
how would they feel or think about me if i say this or that.
each time my phone rings, i get paranoid, thinking if it's them or my boss.
ahhhh fck, it's really driving me nuts.
i hate this lifestyle that i have now.
it's making me miserable every sunday.
these couple of days, it affected me so badly that i hardly have mood for anything.
i just want to go on a holiday.
a really long one.
but... sigh.
monday again tmr.
guess i can only look forward to friday.
someone, give me somthing to look forward to everyday pls.
:(
and i found out the main reason.
my job.
the love-hate relationship i have with it, is back.
but this time, it seems much worst.
just over this few weeks, many things happened.
and i could feel my discomfort all over again.
i never liked sales.
i guess you can see from my posts for the past 13 months.
but i've managed to struggle through it.
and somehow i stopped doing sales after being promoted.
though there was the tough transition period where my life was hell for 2 months.
being screamed at every single hour and being paranoid about work.
then that moment passed, i got used to everything at work once again.
just when i thought everything was alright already, changes happened again.
where the focus is now back to sales.
the expectations of a sales manager begins.
i never thought im good in sales in any way.
i never thought im a good sales manager in any way either.
yet now, im being tasked to perform.
the pressure of the expectations are killing me somehow.
i realised how i do not know many things.
and that i suck at most of it.
yet i'm still supposed to lead by example.
which is getting me out of my comfort zone.
i do not enjoy doing what i am doing now.
but i dont seem to have a choice.
yes i do, to quit if i really want to make a choice.
but i know i can't at the moment.
because i have other goals to achieve first.
maybe you can't tell on the outside.
but i honestly dislike being a manager somehow.
the amount of responsibilities i have, drives me nuts at times.
the amount of 'wei qu' i feel, makes me just wanna be a kid again.
where i didnt have to think that much.
my mind is all about work now every single hour.
and if it's not about work, it's about my salesperson.
about how they wil respond or react if i do this, or that.
how would they feel or think about me if i say this or that.
each time my phone rings, i get paranoid, thinking if it's them or my boss.
ahhhh fck, it's really driving me nuts.
i hate this lifestyle that i have now.
it's making me miserable every sunday.
these couple of days, it affected me so badly that i hardly have mood for anything.
i just want to go on a holiday.
a really long one.
but... sigh.
monday again tmr.
guess i can only look forward to friday.
someone, give me somthing to look forward to everyday pls.
:(
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
dull cny
this cny started off dull for me.
it all started from cny eve.
when it felt more meaningless than any other years.
we went over for the sake of going over.
i spoke to no one.
merely sat beside my dad for dinner which i only had rice, soup and fishball.
we both finished our meal in less than 7 mins.
with just a few words of 'entertainment'.
and we both left the table.
mom didnt eat at all but she went over to talk to an aunt.
dad went over to his brothers.
and i was left alone, playing my ipad.
everyone else was laughing and talking.
and well, no one bothered to talk to me, neither did i bother to talk to anyone.
i often sit back and wonder, why? why did this family become this way now?
if you don't really know me, you must be thinking that i'm the anti-social one.
but ask yourself, would you bother speaking to hypocrites and people who only care about money?
all they really want is money and that's the only reason why all of them are going back.
if they've been given the money, i bet you no one is ever going back.
yes, that's the kind of people my paternal family is made up of.
i shouldn't be washing linen in public.
but i feel really ashamed and upset that things are this way now.
i don't get the warmth like most families do with their relatives.
even my grandma doesnt care much about me.
but well, i'm used to it.
so used to it that i don't care much about that family too.
i'm just tired.
tired of pretending to treat them like family.
i've had thoughts of not inviting anyone of them to my wedding next time.
i don't care what people will think of me.
but i just want my wedding to be a happy one.
but then again, because i respect my dad, i will go with his decision when the time comes.
i can easily treat them as invisibles.
well, we'll see..
i know i was exceptionally quiet this cny.
i just felt distracted and emotional.
i just wanted to be alone somehow.
i've had quite a number of challenges since 2012 started.
which had been quite tough on me.
everyone claims that it'll be a good year for ox.
but honestly, i dont know.
my job has had many hiccups occuring already.
which almost made me give up many many times.
many things have changed.
including people whom i respect.
i no longer know if i should count on them anymore.
i have thoughts of leaving lately.
because everything feels not worth it anymore.
losing my humanity for money is never an option in my dictionary.
i hope it never will.
but.. sigh.
career was something i never wanted when i started over here.
i merely wanted the money.
but now, career is taking over all my priorities which i honestly do not like it.
but the prb here is, it comes with career + money together.
it aint an either or choice.
so if i choose to give my career up, there goes my money too.
sigh.
pardon me if you see me really down these couple of days.
i just need to sort out my thoughts a little.
i just wish i could go for a holiday soon.
:(
it all started from cny eve.
when it felt more meaningless than any other years.
we went over for the sake of going over.
i spoke to no one.
merely sat beside my dad for dinner which i only had rice, soup and fishball.
we both finished our meal in less than 7 mins.
with just a few words of 'entertainment'.
and we both left the table.
mom didnt eat at all but she went over to talk to an aunt.
dad went over to his brothers.
and i was left alone, playing my ipad.
everyone else was laughing and talking.
and well, no one bothered to talk to me, neither did i bother to talk to anyone.
i often sit back and wonder, why? why did this family become this way now?
if you don't really know me, you must be thinking that i'm the anti-social one.
but ask yourself, would you bother speaking to hypocrites and people who only care about money?
all they really want is money and that's the only reason why all of them are going back.
if they've been given the money, i bet you no one is ever going back.
yes, that's the kind of people my paternal family is made up of.
i shouldn't be washing linen in public.
but i feel really ashamed and upset that things are this way now.
i don't get the warmth like most families do with their relatives.
even my grandma doesnt care much about me.
but well, i'm used to it.
so used to it that i don't care much about that family too.
i'm just tired.
tired of pretending to treat them like family.
i've had thoughts of not inviting anyone of them to my wedding next time.
i don't care what people will think of me.
but i just want my wedding to be a happy one.
but then again, because i respect my dad, i will go with his decision when the time comes.
i can easily treat them as invisibles.
well, we'll see..
i know i was exceptionally quiet this cny.
i just felt distracted and emotional.
i just wanted to be alone somehow.
i've had quite a number of challenges since 2012 started.
which had been quite tough on me.
everyone claims that it'll be a good year for ox.
but honestly, i dont know.
my job has had many hiccups occuring already.
which almost made me give up many many times.
many things have changed.
including people whom i respect.
i no longer know if i should count on them anymore.
i have thoughts of leaving lately.
because everything feels not worth it anymore.
losing my humanity for money is never an option in my dictionary.
i hope it never will.
but.. sigh.
career was something i never wanted when i started over here.
i merely wanted the money.
but now, career is taking over all my priorities which i honestly do not like it.
but the prb here is, it comes with career + money together.
it aint an either or choice.
so if i choose to give my career up, there goes my money too.
sigh.
pardon me if you see me really down these couple of days.
i just need to sort out my thoughts a little.
i just wish i could go for a holiday soon.
:(
Friday, January 06, 2012
first of 2o12.
first entry in 2o12.
awesome yet tiring start. haha.
been mahjong-ing quite abit and winning :)
but also, its causing me back ache :(
think im way too old for overnight mj already.
had our first sales event.
tried go-karting for the first time and it's fun indeed.
minus the unglam showercap plus helmet. haha.
my arms are aching like shyt now though.
still, fun experience.
especially when its with this bunch of awesome sales team.
cny. pretty much done for my cny shopping.
> 15 outfits already.
just require heels to match it :)
can't wait for cny!!
yet another few days of break.
though after that, its back to work and reality. haha.
set a few goals for myself this year.
hopefully i'll be able to achieve them all :0
1. attain my driving license :p
2. travel to taiwan and new york by 2012
3. buy a rolex watch
4. get my 2nd chanel
i think i'll be very satisfied if i can achieve 3/4 of the above list :)
i'm not too sure if i'll put in more focus in my career this year.
well, its more of whether im expected to do so or not. lol.
but anyway, i really hope to balance out my life way better.
havent been spending much time with my best friends.
i need to manage my time way better.
let's just hope this yera will be an awesome year!
i'll jia you! :)
awesome yet tiring start. haha.
been mahjong-ing quite abit and winning :)
but also, its causing me back ache :(
think im way too old for overnight mj already.
had our first sales event.
tried go-karting for the first time and it's fun indeed.
minus the unglam showercap plus helmet. haha.
my arms are aching like shyt now though.
still, fun experience.
especially when its with this bunch of awesome sales team.
cny. pretty much done for my cny shopping.
> 15 outfits already.
just require heels to match it :)
can't wait for cny!!
yet another few days of break.
though after that, its back to work and reality. haha.
set a few goals for myself this year.
hopefully i'll be able to achieve them all :0
1. attain my driving license :p
2. travel to taiwan and new york by 2012
3. buy a rolex watch
4. get my 2nd chanel
i think i'll be very satisfied if i can achieve 3/4 of the above list :)
i'm not too sure if i'll put in more focus in my career this year.
well, its more of whether im expected to do so or not. lol.
but anyway, i really hope to balance out my life way better.
havent been spending much time with my best friends.
i need to manage my time way better.
let's just hope this yera will be an awesome year!
i'll jia you! :)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
2o11 - part one.
and the year is almost coming to an end.
how time flies.
im twenty six, turning twenty seven next year.
my agew scares me more than anything. haha.
anyway, just sum up my 2o11 :)
let's start with my career.
unknowingly joined an internet company.
never knew what i was going to be in and how far would i go.
owells, never thought i could go this far.
i started off doing sales.
something i never thought i would ever do in my entire life.
struggled for 5 months and i somehow got promoted. haha.
to a team lead, leading a team of 4.
and i grew further after taking upon this role.
in another 4 months, i became a city manager.
to what i am now - a management role.
leading a team of 6 and taking care of an entire city.
being responsible of revenue and the growth of the city.
i never expected to grow this fast and far in this company at such a young age.
no doubt, alot of hard work and sacrifices are required.
im still struggling now at times and often i lose myself.
still, im thankful for my bosses for such opportunities.
because i know i would never have climbed this far without them.
also, with this job, i managed to fulfil many dreams.
bought my first chanel bag within 7 months.
went on 2 holiday trips in 2 months.
bought my first ferragmo pair of shoes in hongkong.
and another prada bag just last month.
the satisfaction that comes from all these, makes all my hard work worth while somehow. lol =p
so yes, i need to work harder in 2012. haha.
another acheivement of the year - bought our bto hdb at pasir ris :)
our love next i would say. hehe.
a location right where we've always wanted.
and i'm glad we could still qualify for it.
can't wait for 3 years down the road where i can have my own walk-in wardrobe! :p
ok, having kinda mind block at the moment.
shall continue this anyday.
till then, have a great xmas week peeps! :)
how time flies.
im twenty six, turning twenty seven next year.
my agew scares me more than anything. haha.
anyway, just sum up my 2o11 :)
let's start with my career.
unknowingly joined an internet company.
never knew what i was going to be in and how far would i go.
owells, never thought i could go this far.
i started off doing sales.
something i never thought i would ever do in my entire life.
struggled for 5 months and i somehow got promoted. haha.
to a team lead, leading a team of 4.
and i grew further after taking upon this role.
in another 4 months, i became a city manager.
to what i am now - a management role.
leading a team of 6 and taking care of an entire city.
being responsible of revenue and the growth of the city.
i never expected to grow this fast and far in this company at such a young age.
no doubt, alot of hard work and sacrifices are required.
im still struggling now at times and often i lose myself.
still, im thankful for my bosses for such opportunities.
because i know i would never have climbed this far without them.
also, with this job, i managed to fulfil many dreams.
bought my first chanel bag within 7 months.
went on 2 holiday trips in 2 months.
bought my first ferragmo pair of shoes in hongkong.
and another prada bag just last month.
the satisfaction that comes from all these, makes all my hard work worth while somehow. lol =p
so yes, i need to work harder in 2012. haha.
another acheivement of the year - bought our bto hdb at pasir ris :)
our love next i would say. hehe.
a location right where we've always wanted.
and i'm glad we could still qualify for it.
can't wait for 3 years down the road where i can have my own walk-in wardrobe! :p
ok, having kinda mind block at the moment.
shall continue this anyday.
till then, have a great xmas week peeps! :)
Sunday, December 04, 2011
long gone were those carefree days.
every sunday, when i sit in front of my com, everything seems familiar again.
the whole feeling of dread.
when i look back at all my past entries, i realised 3/4 is about how much i dread what im doing now.
12 months have passed, many things have changed.
but the feeling of dread stays.
in this job, i dont lose myself but i feel that ive sold my soul to the company.
unwillingly.
the kind of responsibilities and the commitment they expect from me, is something i can't deliver up till today.
sometimes i wished i could turn back time.
to where i was just a sales person earning all the money i can.
and not bothering about any single thing.
i'm tired.
very tired of having to give up my carefree life for all these.
i work my ass off every single day.
give up partial of my weekends for work.
cover for every single ass who screws up.
get scolded every other day.
and making myself pissed each day with fcked up subordinates.
i dont like all that im going through now.
i wish i could fast forward everything.
to 6 months later where i will choose to give up all these.
just to go back to where i always wanted to be.
lead a life of passion and not just for the sake of money and status.
i really need to be back there.
6 months down the road, i want to start my own blogshop.
or be back doing marketing.
over here, i often hear how everyone despises marketeers.
but theres just so many things that they dont understand.
i dont bother explaining to them too.
because it's my passion and not theirs.
i just want to be back there soon.
i cant help but agree,
money cant buy you everything.
the whole feeling of dread.
when i look back at all my past entries, i realised 3/4 is about how much i dread what im doing now.
12 months have passed, many things have changed.
but the feeling of dread stays.
in this job, i dont lose myself but i feel that ive sold my soul to the company.
unwillingly.
the kind of responsibilities and the commitment they expect from me, is something i can't deliver up till today.
sometimes i wished i could turn back time.
to where i was just a sales person earning all the money i can.
and not bothering about any single thing.
i'm tired.
very tired of having to give up my carefree life for all these.
i work my ass off every single day.
give up partial of my weekends for work.
cover for every single ass who screws up.
get scolded every other day.
and making myself pissed each day with fcked up subordinates.
i dont like all that im going through now.
i wish i could fast forward everything.
to 6 months later where i will choose to give up all these.
just to go back to where i always wanted to be.
lead a life of passion and not just for the sake of money and status.
i really need to be back there.
6 months down the road, i want to start my own blogshop.
or be back doing marketing.
over here, i often hear how everyone despises marketeers.
but theres just so many things that they dont understand.
i dont bother explaining to them too.
because it's my passion and not theirs.
i just want to be back there soon.
i cant help but agree,
money cant buy you everything.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
shopaholic
ive been very lazy lately.
i sleep whenever i can.
because work's just too shagged.
anyway, ive been spending alot lately too.
havent been updating pics of those loots.
but trust me, i've never spent so much in my lifetime before. LOL.
in just 5 months, i bought almost everything from my all-time wish list.
1. chanel 2.55 beige
2. chanel earrings (from boyf)
3. iphone 4
4. ferragamo shoes
5. prada hobo bag
6. ipad 2
7. prada cardholder (from boyf)
8. my hdb flat :p
yes, that's almost everything i wanted in 26 years.
all bought in 5 months.
mad guilty for spending soooo much but it definitely made me a happy girl :)
i created a new wishlist though. LOL.
1. chanel 2.55 black
2. chanel bag
3. rolex sea dweller / longines
4. prada wallet
5. a new necklace (brand to be determined again. haha)
6. fendi leather bracelet
shall leave it for next year.
time to save up this year already!
i need to curb my spending very badly.
this month's credit card bills are kinda scary. lol.
spent the whole day sleeping today.
partly because of the weather.
but also, i dread sunday mornings.
where i have to be awake at 10am to complete some work.
happens every weekend.
right after a night of mahjong.
i think im getting old.
super lack of sleep. booo.
i think i need a healthier lifestyle.
darling, from next sunday onwards, can you make me do some activities? haha.
i dont wanna feel so nua every weekend.
anw, spent the entire sat with darl ktving and watching movie.
managed to do some shopping too.
bought my first aldo pair of shoes! ♥
bought quite abit of clothes too.
been so long since i shopped for clothes.
finally new clothes to wear the entire week :)
christmas's coming!
no plans for it yet.
but ive gotten my xmas outfit already! haha.
its red/pink this year! more like cny but i doubt i can wait till then. lol.
i love christmas because its the most relaxing month of all! :p
alrighty, back to work tmr.
till then guys..
have a great week!
i sleep whenever i can.
because work's just too shagged.
anyway, ive been spending alot lately too.
havent been updating pics of those loots.
but trust me, i've never spent so much in my lifetime before. LOL.
in just 5 months, i bought almost everything from my all-time wish list.
1. chanel 2.55 beige
2. chanel earrings (from boyf)
3. iphone 4
4. ferragamo shoes
5. prada hobo bag
6. ipad 2
7. prada cardholder (from boyf)
8. my hdb flat :p
yes, that's almost everything i wanted in 26 years.
all bought in 5 months.
mad guilty for spending soooo much but it definitely made me a happy girl :)
i created a new wishlist though. LOL.
1. chanel 2.55 black
2. chanel bag
3. rolex sea dweller / longines
4. prada wallet
5. a new necklace (brand to be determined again. haha)
6. fendi leather bracelet
shall leave it for next year.
time to save up this year already!
i need to curb my spending very badly.
this month's credit card bills are kinda scary. lol.
spent the whole day sleeping today.
partly because of the weather.
but also, i dread sunday mornings.
where i have to be awake at 10am to complete some work.
happens every weekend.
right after a night of mahjong.
i think im getting old.
super lack of sleep. booo.
i think i need a healthier lifestyle.
darling, from next sunday onwards, can you make me do some activities? haha.
i dont wanna feel so nua every weekend.
anw, spent the entire sat with darl ktving and watching movie.
managed to do some shopping too.
bought my first aldo pair of shoes! ♥
bought quite abit of clothes too.
been so long since i shopped for clothes.
finally new clothes to wear the entire week :)
christmas's coming!
no plans for it yet.
but ive gotten my xmas outfit already! haha.
its red/pink this year! more like cny but i doubt i can wait till then. lol.
i love christmas because its the most relaxing month of all! :p
alrighty, back to work tmr.
till then guys..
have a great week!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
sick again.
havent blogged in while.
i guess, the key - not being able to find time.
im unwell today.
so do pardon if i blog incoherently.
time has been spent doing work everyday.
so much that, i feel so tired every single day.
ive been ill 3 times in 2 months.
usually, i could last 6 months once.
but yea, i feel totally burnt out now.
and sadly, there's nothing i can do about it.
other than work harder.
im running a fever today.
yet i cant be on MC tmr.
sigh.
i havent had time for many people.
havent met my besties in awhile.
havent met up with old friends to catch up.
hardly even having time to have lunch/dinner with colleagues.
weekends with darling is short-lived too.
because im either too tired or we're just mj-ing.
sigh. my life feels quite messed up now.
well, if you're wondering why am i still holding on to all these?
i can be really honest here.
for the sake of money.
i admit im spoilt with my current lifestyle now.
switching back will be tough.
besides, i doubt i can afford to switch back now.
committments are holding me back.
anyway, i feel kinda restless to be typing a proper entry now.
so, wait till i get better or at least when i find time.
have a great week ahead peeps!
i guess, the key - not being able to find time.
im unwell today.
so do pardon if i blog incoherently.
time has been spent doing work everyday.
so much that, i feel so tired every single day.
ive been ill 3 times in 2 months.
usually, i could last 6 months once.
but yea, i feel totally burnt out now.
and sadly, there's nothing i can do about it.
other than work harder.
im running a fever today.
yet i cant be on MC tmr.
sigh.
i havent had time for many people.
havent met my besties in awhile.
havent met up with old friends to catch up.
hardly even having time to have lunch/dinner with colleagues.
weekends with darling is short-lived too.
because im either too tired or we're just mj-ing.
sigh. my life feels quite messed up now.
well, if you're wondering why am i still holding on to all these?
i can be really honest here.
for the sake of money.
i admit im spoilt with my current lifestyle now.
switching back will be tough.
besides, i doubt i can afford to switch back now.
committments are holding me back.
anyway, i feel kinda restless to be typing a proper entry now.
so, wait till i get better or at least when i find time.
have a great week ahead peeps!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
wish list!
i spent the whole night oogling at all these...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
down.
it just gets worst each week.
i broke down this weekend.
because i realised no matter how hard i try, the challenges just get tougher.
i still dont know if im up to it.
but looks of it, im inclined to surrender before i see results :(
finally spent a proper saturday with darling.
shopping and movie.
wanted to buy many stuff but i ended up with nothing.
except for another kate spade hp case.
wanted to get my bvlgari necklace on impulse.
but 3k is too much for me to just buy without 2nd thoughts.
i honestly need to stop wanting to buy 1001 things.
especially the materialistic stuff.
had dinner at astons with darling.
waited so damn long for the food.
never a fan of astons and yea, their food always disappoint me.
nonetheless, we managed to talk about darl's birthday plans.
wanted to get that silly boy an ipad 2 but he doesnt want it.
we're planning for a short getaway instead to KL.
am trying to cfm my leave tmr and i'll book tix for that.
watched real steel after dinner.
damn good show.
its been awhile since i enjoyed a show so much.
go catch if you havent!
anw, got a little emo during the show.
as i realised its been quite awhile since i could enjoy a saturday like this.
the past 1.5 mths have been about work and more work over the weekends.
i felt so tired suddenly.
like, is this the kind of lifestyle i want?
working 24/7 and my mind is just all about work.
i honestly dont want it but im stucked in it now.
sigh. i ended up breaking down.
because i really dont know what to do anymore.
i feel miserable every single day yet i cant just leave like this. sigh.
today's another example of how i attended to work 24/7 again.
last night after the movie, i had to settle some work stuff and yes, that was past 12midnight already.
played mj with my friends but half the time, i was still smsing my colleagues about work.
then i got home at 830am but i couldnt head to bed as i still needed to settle work stuff.
took a short nap after that and woke up at 1030am again to clear more stuff.
by the time im done with everything, its almost 3pm.
so yea, thats only when i got to bed finally.
FML. yes, FML.
sigh.
i dont know when i'll stop complaining.
maybe only when im out of here, or when im finally adapted to it.
but yea, i dont know.
im just thankful to have darling around all these while.
hes been really accomodating though work's been tough for him too.
i really wished i had more time for him.
hope i can make it up to him soon.
darl, lets look fwd to our KL trip yea?
love you loads.
alrighty, back to work again.
i broke down this weekend.
because i realised no matter how hard i try, the challenges just get tougher.
i still dont know if im up to it.
but looks of it, im inclined to surrender before i see results :(
finally spent a proper saturday with darling.
shopping and movie.
wanted to buy many stuff but i ended up with nothing.
except for another kate spade hp case.
wanted to get my bvlgari necklace on impulse.
but 3k is too much for me to just buy without 2nd thoughts.
i honestly need to stop wanting to buy 1001 things.
especially the materialistic stuff.
had dinner at astons with darling.
waited so damn long for the food.
never a fan of astons and yea, their food always disappoint me.
nonetheless, we managed to talk about darl's birthday plans.
wanted to get that silly boy an ipad 2 but he doesnt want it.
we're planning for a short getaway instead to KL.
am trying to cfm my leave tmr and i'll book tix for that.
watched real steel after dinner.
damn good show.
its been awhile since i enjoyed a show so much.
go catch if you havent!
anw, got a little emo during the show.
as i realised its been quite awhile since i could enjoy a saturday like this.
the past 1.5 mths have been about work and more work over the weekends.
i felt so tired suddenly.
like, is this the kind of lifestyle i want?
working 24/7 and my mind is just all about work.
i honestly dont want it but im stucked in it now.
sigh. i ended up breaking down.
because i really dont know what to do anymore.
i feel miserable every single day yet i cant just leave like this. sigh.
today's another example of how i attended to work 24/7 again.
last night after the movie, i had to settle some work stuff and yes, that was past 12midnight already.
played mj with my friends but half the time, i was still smsing my colleagues about work.
then i got home at 830am but i couldnt head to bed as i still needed to settle work stuff.
took a short nap after that and woke up at 1030am again to clear more stuff.
by the time im done with everything, its almost 3pm.
so yea, thats only when i got to bed finally.
FML. yes, FML.
sigh.
i dont know when i'll stop complaining.
maybe only when im out of here, or when im finally adapted to it.
but yea, i dont know.
im just thankful to have darling around all these while.
hes been really accomodating though work's been tough for him too.
i really wished i had more time for him.
hope i can make it up to him soon.
darl, lets look fwd to our KL trip yea?
love you loads.
alrighty, back to work again.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
dread.
i felt really down today yet again.
just realised it's been awhile since i had my own me-time.
darling is out of town this weekend.
feels empty without him around but i took this chance to spend time with myself.
i did nothing today though.
besides watching dvd and ironing my clothes.
but i took some time to think through things too.
which made me feel really upset.
my day started at 10am with an sms from my boss.
to conference call him.
i had plans to sleep in today but yes, i couldnt.
the reason for the conference call was because the other team fcked up.
and the call was to give us all a heads up if we fck up the next time.
for a morning call to have all these, not really the nicest thing to happen.
i tried to sleep back thereafter but yet another phonecall.
which was obviously redundant because someone just couldnt wait for another 2 mins to get the email.
i decided to wake up right after because i kneww im not going to have a good slp.
true enough, my hp just rang non-stop with whatsapp msges.
everytime i try to focus on watching my taiwan drama, my phone beeps.
with 1001 ppl whatsapping.
what's worst, unrelated stuff to my city at all.
so obviously i was pissed.
and then, after all had stopped for awhile, someone had to try to prove herself.
prove that shes working extra hard and initiating everything.
so yup, i had to get involved in the chat.
which pissed me even further because i couldnt watch my show.
seriously, im disliking her alot more now.
she used to be my superior but now we're on par and i guess thats why she tries extra hard to prove herself even more.
but its fcking irritating. really.
she's just making everything so political. argh.
anyway, yes, my whole day was spoilt with all these nonsense the entire day.
that's when i started to think.
think about how my weekends have been over the past 1 month.
every single weekend is spent answering whatsapp msges.
thinking about work every single minute.
i dont even have the mood to shop now.
or even enjoy anything that i do over the weekends.
i used to look forward to weekends because thats the only time i can rest and not think about anything and be with darling.
but now, i dread weekends the most.
i feel extremely guilty too for not being able to give darl my 100% attention lately.
im either too preoccupied with work or im just too tired.
i dont even feel like talking to anyone lately too.
because im really just so tired.
im losing my 'life' just because of work.
i cant believe im at this stage again.
the stage where i told myself never to step in again.
but now, unknowningly, i went back there again.
i hate it so much because i know whenever im at this stage, i lose my priorities in life again.
or rather, i lose myself again.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i know its a great opportunity for me now.
to grow in my career, to achieve something big in life.
but is this what i really want?
actually i dont think so.
but i need to stay on for practical reasons.
for money and for my house.
maybe thats why im feeling really unhappy.
because i never liked to live for these reasons only.
i want to live a life doing what i really like and want.
not for money sake.
i want my life to revolve around my other half, my family, my friends and my passion.
not live my life for money only.
i keep telling myself, i only gotta tahan for awhile more.
everything will be fine soon.
i have 2 paths now.
1. earn as much as i can now and leave here in a couple of months.
2. get used to what it is now and establish a name for myself.
my heart tells me to choose 1 while my head tells me 2.
sigh. i dont know. i really dont.
all i know is, i dont feel happy anymore.
taking up this role has made me lose quite abit of things.
first, i lose time.
second, i lose friends, colleagues whom used to be so close.
third, i lose patience yet again.
and finally, yes i lose myself.
sigh.
what should i do?
i cant go on like this.
:(
just realised it's been awhile since i had my own me-time.
darling is out of town this weekend.
feels empty without him around but i took this chance to spend time with myself.
i did nothing today though.
besides watching dvd and ironing my clothes.
but i took some time to think through things too.
which made me feel really upset.
my day started at 10am with an sms from my boss.
to conference call him.
i had plans to sleep in today but yes, i couldnt.
the reason for the conference call was because the other team fcked up.
and the call was to give us all a heads up if we fck up the next time.
for a morning call to have all these, not really the nicest thing to happen.
i tried to sleep back thereafter but yet another phonecall.
which was obviously redundant because someone just couldnt wait for another 2 mins to get the email.
i decided to wake up right after because i kneww im not going to have a good slp.
true enough, my hp just rang non-stop with whatsapp msges.
everytime i try to focus on watching my taiwan drama, my phone beeps.
with 1001 ppl whatsapping.
what's worst, unrelated stuff to my city at all.
so obviously i was pissed.
and then, after all had stopped for awhile, someone had to try to prove herself.
prove that shes working extra hard and initiating everything.
so yup, i had to get involved in the chat.
which pissed me even further because i couldnt watch my show.
seriously, im disliking her alot more now.
she used to be my superior but now we're on par and i guess thats why she tries extra hard to prove herself even more.
but its fcking irritating. really.
she's just making everything so political. argh.
anyway, yes, my whole day was spoilt with all these nonsense the entire day.
that's when i started to think.
think about how my weekends have been over the past 1 month.
every single weekend is spent answering whatsapp msges.
thinking about work every single minute.
i dont even have the mood to shop now.
or even enjoy anything that i do over the weekends.
i used to look forward to weekends because thats the only time i can rest and not think about anything and be with darling.
but now, i dread weekends the most.
i feel extremely guilty too for not being able to give darl my 100% attention lately.
im either too preoccupied with work or im just too tired.
i dont even feel like talking to anyone lately too.
because im really just so tired.
im losing my 'life' just because of work.
i cant believe im at this stage again.
the stage where i told myself never to step in again.
but now, unknowningly, i went back there again.
i hate it so much because i know whenever im at this stage, i lose my priorities in life again.
or rather, i lose myself again.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i know its a great opportunity for me now.
to grow in my career, to achieve something big in life.
but is this what i really want?
actually i dont think so.
but i need to stay on for practical reasons.
for money and for my house.
maybe thats why im feeling really unhappy.
because i never liked to live for these reasons only.
i want to live a life doing what i really like and want.
not for money sake.
i want my life to revolve around my other half, my family, my friends and my passion.
not live my life for money only.
i keep telling myself, i only gotta tahan for awhile more.
everything will be fine soon.
i have 2 paths now.
1. earn as much as i can now and leave here in a couple of months.
2. get used to what it is now and establish a name for myself.
my heart tells me to choose 1 while my head tells me 2.
sigh. i dont know. i really dont.
all i know is, i dont feel happy anymore.
taking up this role has made me lose quite abit of things.
first, i lose time.
second, i lose friends, colleagues whom used to be so close.
third, i lose patience yet again.
and finally, yes i lose myself.
sigh.
what should i do?
i cant go on like this.
:(
Sunday, October 02, 2011
wasted weekend.
because i was feeling lerthagic most of the time.
last week was crazy and mad tiring.
i honestly dont know how long more can i carry on this way.
i know everyone's sick of me complaining about my job now.
but fact is, i hate it more each day.
because it takes away my life.
literally. sigh.
i havent been spending much time with darling too :(
i dislike it totally when my priorities in life change because of work.
argh.
a pic to end the night.
i love you darling :)
last week was crazy and mad tiring.
i honestly dont know how long more can i carry on this way.
i know everyone's sick of me complaining about my job now.
but fact is, i hate it more each day.
because it takes away my life.
literally. sigh.
i havent been spending much time with darling too :(
i dislike it totally when my priorities in life change because of work.
argh.
a pic to end the night.
i love you darling :)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
finally.
it's finally friday!
no idea if it's good or bad but at least i get to rest a bit.
i've been working till 9ish every single day.
mad tiring and i feel as though my mind havent rested in 120hours :(
worst still, it's meetings meeeting every single day, every single hour, impromtuly.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
i dont even have my own space for lunch now.
i feel im just too involved in everything for me to even have my own breathing space.
and lunch is always with the senior management.
and yes, we talk about work again.
i honestly dont know how long can i tahan such a lifestyle.
sigh.
anyway, i havent had much time to talk to darling these few days too.
sorry darl, do bear with me for awhile yea?
i just need to go through this transition phase.
let's hope all will be fine soon.
im too tired to stay awake any longer.
have a great weekend peeps!
no idea if it's good or bad but at least i get to rest a bit.
i've been working till 9ish every single day.
mad tiring and i feel as though my mind havent rested in 120hours :(
worst still, it's meetings meeeting every single day, every single hour, impromtuly.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
i dont even have my own space for lunch now.
i feel im just too involved in everything for me to even have my own breathing space.
and lunch is always with the senior management.
and yes, we talk about work again.
i honestly dont know how long can i tahan such a lifestyle.
sigh.
anyway, i havent had much time to talk to darling these few days too.
sorry darl, do bear with me for awhile yea?
i just need to go through this transition phase.
let's hope all will be fine soon.
im too tired to stay awake any longer.
have a great weekend peeps!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
the final straw.
it was the final straw earlier on.
it's to the extent which i feel that i no longer want to be in this role.
the expectations of me are far from realistic.
i dont know how much more can i compromise.
but one thing's for sure, i have a fcked up inbalanced life now.
i dont know why is it always me.
why do i have to be on top of every single thing?
why do i have to bear all the blame?
why do i have to be aware of every single thing though ive only been at it for 3 days?
why do i have to go through all these now when im just a bloody city mgr?
why do i have to give up my weekends for this?
why do i have to be at it 24/7 and have no life at all?
why? someone tell me why?
i broke down 3 times this week.
once, before i started work.
once yesterday.
and the third time today.
which i feel that, this should never be happening.
i was so positive on friday night.
because i thought i could start to adapt and enjoy what i do.
since it makes my brain work and make me more alive.
but no, everything had to be ruined with that couple of smses.
which was just sent to me, although it was supposed to be EVERYONE's responsibility.
so, tell me how fair is that?
i never wanted the role as a team lead.
you guys coaxed me into it.
i never wanted the role as a city mgr.
you guys assumed that im ok and forced me into it.
so now what?
because of all these assumptions, you assumed further thinking that im definitely up to it.
well, thank you all for thinking so highly of me.
but sorry to disappoint, im just not that good after all.
in fact, i never thought i was good at all.
you guys just assumed and set ridiculous expectations of me.
just so you need to know, i do my best in whatever i do but the minute you cross the line and take up my personal life, dont blame me for behaving how i am now.
i just hate it when i cant have my personal space anymore.
i hate it when weekends used to be the only days that i can look forward to in a week yet now, its the days i dread the most.
and it even affected the quality time im trying to spend with darling.
you know how much i hate it?
you guys dont know.
and just continue assuming im fine and expecting me to do EVERY SINGLE thing.
how come you dont expect the rest to do the same?
how come the smses are only sent to me?
how come only i get fcked when things do wrong?
what about the rest who are involved?
why do they not get fcked for it?
in the first place, i dont even hold the biggest stake.
yet i get blamed for every single fcking thing.
yes i feel very inbalanced now.
im this close to throwing in my letter.
but i know i cant.
because i have 3 months of my hard work's commission still stucked with the company.
but i cant seem to take it anymore.
i really dont know what to do now.
i want to go away again. can?
someone take me away from all these pls..
it's to the extent which i feel that i no longer want to be in this role.
the expectations of me are far from realistic.
i dont know how much more can i compromise.
but one thing's for sure, i have a fcked up inbalanced life now.
i dont know why is it always me.
why do i have to be on top of every single thing?
why do i have to bear all the blame?
why do i have to be aware of every single thing though ive only been at it for 3 days?
why do i have to go through all these now when im just a bloody city mgr?
why do i have to give up my weekends for this?
why do i have to be at it 24/7 and have no life at all?
why? someone tell me why?
i broke down 3 times this week.
once, before i started work.
once yesterday.
and the third time today.
which i feel that, this should never be happening.
i was so positive on friday night.
because i thought i could start to adapt and enjoy what i do.
since it makes my brain work and make me more alive.
but no, everything had to be ruined with that couple of smses.
which was just sent to me, although it was supposed to be EVERYONE's responsibility.
so, tell me how fair is that?
i never wanted the role as a team lead.
you guys coaxed me into it.
i never wanted the role as a city mgr.
you guys assumed that im ok and forced me into it.
so now what?
because of all these assumptions, you assumed further thinking that im definitely up to it.
well, thank you all for thinking so highly of me.
but sorry to disappoint, im just not that good after all.
in fact, i never thought i was good at all.
you guys just assumed and set ridiculous expectations of me.
just so you need to know, i do my best in whatever i do but the minute you cross the line and take up my personal life, dont blame me for behaving how i am now.
i just hate it when i cant have my personal space anymore.
i hate it when weekends used to be the only days that i can look forward to in a week yet now, its the days i dread the most.
and it even affected the quality time im trying to spend with darling.
you know how much i hate it?
you guys dont know.
and just continue assuming im fine and expecting me to do EVERY SINGLE thing.
how come you dont expect the rest to do the same?
how come the smses are only sent to me?
how come only i get fcked when things do wrong?
what about the rest who are involved?
why do they not get fcked for it?
in the first place, i dont even hold the biggest stake.
yet i get blamed for every single fcking thing.
yes i feel very inbalanced now.
im this close to throwing in my letter.
but i know i cant.
because i have 3 months of my hard work's commission still stucked with the company.
but i cant seem to take it anymore.
i really dont know what to do now.
i want to go away again. can?
someone take me away from all these pls..
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
new role.
i went to work with a heavy heart today.
because i knew of the changes happening while im away.
just got back from bangkok.
great trip with baby.
and i wished i could stay longer over there.
am so looking forward to a next trip.
preferbly in december but we'll see.
major changes in my job role now.
i dont exactly know how to describe my feelings.
but my responsibilities and tasks have been heavily added.
not forgetting, i need to work on weekends too.
and thats what i always hated throughout my working life.
no doubt im learning alot already although its only my first day going through it.
but im not too sure if it's really what i will enjoy.
or look forward to do everyday.
i think the tough part now is juggling my sales role and the city planner role.
its still too early to speak now.
or to make a judgement.
we'll have to see.
but i do know that i dont feel very positive about it somehow.
i just wish time will just fly pass.
im feeling too tired to blog further.
will probably upload my bkk pics on another day.
good night peeps.
because i knew of the changes happening while im away.
just got back from bangkok.
great trip with baby.
and i wished i could stay longer over there.
am so looking forward to a next trip.
preferbly in december but we'll see.
major changes in my job role now.
i dont exactly know how to describe my feelings.
but my responsibilities and tasks have been heavily added.
not forgetting, i need to work on weekends too.
and thats what i always hated throughout my working life.
no doubt im learning alot already although its only my first day going through it.
but im not too sure if it's really what i will enjoy.
or look forward to do everyday.
i think the tough part now is juggling my sales role and the city planner role.
its still too early to speak now.
or to make a judgement.
we'll have to see.
but i do know that i dont feel very positive about it somehow.
i just wish time will just fly pass.
im feeling too tired to blog further.
will probably upload my bkk pics on another day.
good night peeps.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
dread.
work hasnt been that smooth sailing for me.
in fact, i dread going to work so much this week.
i just dont understand of the expectations my mgt have of me.
i mean, what is my position ultimately?
only a team lead.
i have a sales mgr above me, yet im expected to do the same.
expected to do things which im not told to do so.
like i would fcking know.
sigh.
this feeling really sucks :(
i know i shouldnt be, but i am having 2nd thoughts now.
about all these all over again.
have i been right about my choice all along?
i dont know.
i know im pretty much a weakling.
crumbling over every small thing especially when it comes to work.
i appear strong to every single one out there.
but deep down, i know i fcking hate whatever im doing now.
and yes, i'll be niam-ing to myself like what im doing now.
in the past 8 months, money was one factor that made me pull through.
but this month, all im thinking is, just earn a little bit more and i want to be out of here.
can i?
but what will happen to my house?
sigh.
i realised i hate this role more than i hate doing sales.
which explains why i feel like giving up.
i know i always give up easily when it comes to working.
but honestly, i just dont have the determination for it.
sigh.
i dont know what i want to do now.
but i know tmr morning will be a bad morning for me.
because my bosses are coming back.
probably get fcked again for what happened on monday.
owells.
i cant wait for my trip next week.
its that soon.
i just wanna get away from work.
for as long as possible.
but yes, im dreaming.
:(
in fact, i dread going to work so much this week.
i just dont understand of the expectations my mgt have of me.
i mean, what is my position ultimately?
only a team lead.
i have a sales mgr above me, yet im expected to do the same.
expected to do things which im not told to do so.
like i would fcking know.
sigh.
this feeling really sucks :(
i know i shouldnt be, but i am having 2nd thoughts now.
about all these all over again.
have i been right about my choice all along?
i dont know.
i know im pretty much a weakling.
crumbling over every small thing especially when it comes to work.
i appear strong to every single one out there.
but deep down, i know i fcking hate whatever im doing now.
and yes, i'll be niam-ing to myself like what im doing now.
in the past 8 months, money was one factor that made me pull through.
but this month, all im thinking is, just earn a little bit more and i want to be out of here.
can i?
but what will happen to my house?
sigh.
i realised i hate this role more than i hate doing sales.
which explains why i feel like giving up.
i know i always give up easily when it comes to working.
but honestly, i just dont have the determination for it.
sigh.
i dont know what i want to do now.
but i know tmr morning will be a bad morning for me.
because my bosses are coming back.
probably get fcked again for what happened on monday.
owells.
i cant wait for my trip next week.
its that soon.
i just wanna get away from work.
for as long as possible.
but yes, im dreaming.
:(
Monday, August 22, 2011
twentysixth.
officially 26 already.
this year's birthday had been really simple.
but im thankful for the the company i had since friday :)
dinner with my colleagues on friday.
headed over to marina bay golf course.
very nice place, food's ok but service's very bad.
that's besides the point.
my colleagues tried to surprise me a little with the cake.
but the waiter spoiled everything. haha.
he practically stood behind me and said loudly, "so, do you want me to serve the cake now?" haha.
and when he came out with the cake, it was still in the plastic bag.
epic failure. lol.
nonetheless, had a great time with my colleagues and am thankful for the celebration they organised for me :)
oh yah, and darling surprised me with a bouquet of roses + penguin at my office.
totally made me day. hehe :)
saturday was with darling.
first stop was lunch at nakhon.
loved the food there and of course it started my day well.
we headed to botanical gardens thereafter.
though nothing much but i still didnt mind just taking a stroll there.
high tea at high society was next.
atmoshpere was so so, think i prefer twg much more.
but yes, its the company that matters most.
lastly, dinner was at ippudo.
heard so much about the ramen but never had the chance to try.
not too bad but very expensive for ramen.
would prefer tampopo still.
darling ended the night with car ride as i didnt want to head home. haha.
very simple night but thank u darling for being there with me :)
went cycling on sunday.
gotta admit ive aged as i was mad tired after a short while. lol
i need to exercise more.
anw, dinner was at triple one with parents.
didnt like the food there but once again, im thankful for the company.
*loe my blue dress though. hehe.
really simple birthday this year.
guess i wasnt very much into the mood too.
but still, :)
meeting my besties later in the week.
cant wait to meet them.
birthday pictures in awhile :)
before i go to that, ive finally booked my bkk tickets!! :))
im going from 9sep to 12sep.
cant wait, seriously. hehe :p
kk pictures time.
this year's birthday had been really simple.
but im thankful for the the company i had since friday :)
dinner with my colleagues on friday.
headed over to marina bay golf course.
very nice place, food's ok but service's very bad.
that's besides the point.
my colleagues tried to surprise me a little with the cake.
but the waiter spoiled everything. haha.
he practically stood behind me and said loudly, "so, do you want me to serve the cake now?" haha.
and when he came out with the cake, it was still in the plastic bag.
epic failure. lol.
nonetheless, had a great time with my colleagues and am thankful for the celebration they organised for me :)
oh yah, and darling surprised me with a bouquet of roses + penguin at my office.
totally made me day. hehe :)
saturday was with darling.
first stop was lunch at nakhon.
loved the food there and of course it started my day well.
we headed to botanical gardens thereafter.
though nothing much but i still didnt mind just taking a stroll there.
high tea at high society was next.
atmoshpere was so so, think i prefer twg much more.
but yes, its the company that matters most.
lastly, dinner was at ippudo.
heard so much about the ramen but never had the chance to try.
not too bad but very expensive for ramen.
would prefer tampopo still.
darling ended the night with car ride as i didnt want to head home. haha.
very simple night but thank u darling for being there with me :)
went cycling on sunday.
gotta admit ive aged as i was mad tired after a short while. lol
i need to exercise more.
anw, dinner was at triple one with parents.
didnt like the food there but once again, im thankful for the company.
*loe my blue dress though. hehe.
really simple birthday this year.
guess i wasnt very much into the mood too.
but still, :)
meeting my besties later in the week.
cant wait to meet them.
birthday pictures in awhile :)
before i go to that, ive finally booked my bkk tickets!! :))
im going from 9sep to 12sep.
cant wait, seriously. hehe :p
kk pictures time.
